FWD caught up with these strong women about choosing the life they wanted and finding footing in their identity

Words by FWD Media    Photos from Various Sources

Childhood shenanigans involving cross dressing in one’s mother’s heels, wearing lipstick and donning a dress garner indulgent laughs, but gender nonconformity in teens and adults elicit only disgust, anger and a demand to come to one’s senses. While ‘this is a man’s world’ rings around the globe, there is a section of the society, that was born as men, but chose to be women and weather all the storms that came with it. FWD Life caught up with these strong women who spoke about choosing the life they wanted and finding a footing in their identity.

Apsara Reddy

The Indo-Australian journalist is India’s first transgender Editor and was the first transwoman to be invited by the late Dr.J.Jayalalitha to join her party, the AIADMK. She is a strong spokesperson on National TV debates and has worked with BBC World Service, The Hindu, and Commonwealth Secretariat in London, New Indian Express and Deccan Chronicle. She is currently the Editor of the lifestyle magazine Provoke.

How was life when you were growing up?

I was born and raised in a very South Indian family with lots of relatives, customs and traditions. My mother was very progressive and always inspired me to follow my dreams. My father, an alcoholic, and a man who never enjoyed us being happy, was an impediment. I was stubborn, focused and a good student who chose to focus on the unparalleled parenting and mentoring my mother showered on me. As a child too, I used to wear plaits with towels or try on my mom’s heels. I never once thought I was not normal or felt the need to suppress my innermost feelings.

How did you inform your family about your decision to become Apsara? While living and studying in Australia did you feel the difference between the two cultures?

When I was 13 or 14, I browsed on Google about a boy wanting to be a girl. Most of them in the Indian cultural context see it as being gay. I knew I was not gay. I had opportunities to interact with gay people but I couldn’t understand their dynamics. When I did research online, there was this whole thing about transgenders, sex change and hormone changes. It was overwhelming and scary because I wondered how I would get the money for it without my parent’s knowledge.

When I went to Australia for my Bachelors, I found a great set of friends who were non-judgmental. A whole new life opened up for me. I went to a gay club one day and there I met a beautiful transsexual woman called Jacinta. Our journeys were similar. In Australia, you have support, insurance covers your counseling, hormone therapies, bills and tablets. She transformed quite earlier on and she told me that there was a meaningful place for me in society. The kind of attention she was getting from men was also something that made me realize that not everyone will be averse to me and that I could have a meaningful life. I could get married and maybe adopt kids or have kids with my partner. I started going to a gender counselor. After a year I had the courage to tell my parents, but it was the most difficult part of my life.

The working years in London and India and the tough bout of hormone treatments- do you think very little is known of the gender change process here?

London was exciting and very liberating. In Western countries, gender counseling is a must before you are prescribed hormones. That way there is a mental assessment of your coping capabilities, your genuine desires and abilities to be a woman. Changing your gender is no child’s play. The counseling was tough. They would ask very weird questions about our deepest and innermost feelings, physical attraction, and our upbringing. I would be very honest about my feelings because that was the only way your counselor can help you gain real liberation.

In India, hormones are just sold over the counter, and often, the gay community abuses hormones. One mustn’t change to acquire a man or find love; they should truly feel like a woman, emote like one and be able to live like one. The reason why we see so many trans-suicides, animated behaviors and wacky sexual patterns are because most transwomen opt for the instant-change option where they do intense over-the-counter hormones or get quick surgeries. They end up impacting their health adversely.

How did it feel like when you came back to India?

When I came back to India, I met a doctor here, Dr. Usha Sriram, and she is one of my closest friends now. The counseling she gave my mother and I to have the conviction and strength is amazing. A lot of people said cruel, nasty, horrible, harsh, uncharitable and baseless things to me when I came back, from my mental state to allegations of how I was treated by people when I was a child, to weird things like hot water fell on my legs so I got castrated. None of it was true! It was me, a happy young boy who always wanted to be a girl and I was taking medicine to help be that. My mom was there with me, but it was a very hard journey for her, extremely hard, because she was in the city for so many years. These people knew me and they had to be supportive, and they had to understand that I am facing my inner battles and I am trying to be strong and keep a job and do things in life. But they would never stop. If I walked in, people would giggle or turn the other way.

You are a successful journalist. There must be a story of hard work and passion behind it.

I was extremely hurt by the way people treated me once I came back, but my career kept me focused. I worked at Indian Express as a Features Editor and had a successful column. I wrote about parties, lifestyle, and gender, anything on my mind that week. Being in the press changed everything for me. Discriminating, discouraging and dissecting voices became friendly voices. I never asked to be accepted. I never sat to make a case for anyone to love me or like me. People slowly understood I was capable and intelligent. The people who said negative things about me started trying to be my friends now. And life took a very different turn after that.

Then, I was offered a very senior job at Deccan Chronicle as the Features Editor first and then promoted to Senior Editor. I was handling supplements. I have to thank A T Jayanti, the Editor-in-Chief at Deccan Chronicle. She understood me as Apsara, although I was still transitioning and there were so many questions unanswered in my head. She gave me a book, Fifty Shades of Grey, signed “Welcome to the World of Women, Love, Jayanti”. But there were a lot of situations in which I was not included in meetings or parties, but my team rallied around me.

What were the challenges of working in the Indian media?

While working at Deccan Chronicle I used the female toilet and women were okay with, while the men were not. I looked and felt like a woman and it felt natural for me to do that. While many said hurtful things, I didn’t have a problem because I had reached a stage where I didn’t care because I was doing nothing wrong. There were people who restricted advertisements to my publication or restricted stories to my journalists. There were affluent men and those from diplomatic spheres who would attempt to flatter me. It is not the way you sign off on a professional conversation! I don’t say no or yes. I keep them hanging for as long as possible. My work matters to me and I take my own decisions. Even the media is to be blamed for presenting transgender from the angle of prostitution or begging. The root cause of prostitution is the people who solicit them. In India, there is a fixed position for transgender people. Today when I am an editor and an activist and I am breaking that norm, people say ‘Oh! You are not a transgender woman. You are not like the rest of them!’ Why should everyone be stereotyped? There are so many people like me who want to break free, who want to be women and who want to have wonderful careers, who are making great money, but no one wants to talk about them.

Rose Venkiteshan

The television host, radio jockey and politician made her debut with the Vijay TV show Ippadiku Rose. She floated the idea of the formation of Sexual Liberation Party of India which would promote sexual freedom and the rights of women and LGBT people. She is a passionate transgender rights activist and film maker.

When did you first realize the life you were living was not the one you wanted?

I have always known that there was something not right about me. I just didn’t know exactly what it was until I saw other people like me during my college years. I decided I was a woman born in the wrong body in my early 20s.

Was it hard to get where you are right now?

It was a tough journey replete with rejection, hurt, and violence, I faced a lot of emotional and some dextral abuse too. Too many men were in it to just exploit a transwoman. Some people approach in the name of romance while most others just want sex and they approach for it without respect for our feelings or the fact that we are people with sensitivity and a heart that can ache. I had been hurt by own family by their rejection and abandonment.

Is it safe to assume that you faced a lot of wrath when you came out? How did you deal with it?

It is safe to assume that I faced a lot of problems when I came out. It was a tough journey along the way. Without confidence and the will to live with dignity, I would have killed myself. In fact, I did attempt to kill myself the times in my life purely owing to the inability to cope with the treatment that society metes out to transwomen.

Were your parents supportive of your decision?

No, my parents weren’t supportive of my decisions to live my true identity. I was met with hurt, persuasion to live as a man, marry a woman, and be the normal man that society expects. But when I insisted and proceeded to be myself, I was beaten and thrown out of the door.

What is something that you cherish about finally getting to own your identity?

I love myself so much more now than before. I feel a bit more peaceful and at ease with myself. I feel that I’m myself now.

Fierce voices that ring out for the rights and acceptance for the transgender community:

Dr. Renée Richards: Ophthalmologist and Tennis Player

“I had a very good and full life as Dick but I had this other side of me that kept emerging and that kept pushing back, until finally it just wasn’t possible to submerge Renee anymore and Renee won out,” Richards says. – BBC World Service

Kalki Subramaniam: Writer, actress and activist

“As a girl who stepped into the transfamily as early as 14, I now have several daughters and granddaughters. It is a true bonding based on loyalty, love and faith. Transwomen who run away fearing the stigma from their family and relatives usually join or create these families. Transwomen who stay with their biological families can be a part of these families too.” – lynnconway.com

Dr. Marci Bowers: Gynecologist, innovator in sex reassignment surgery

“I have personal issues, challenges and have an interesting career but transgender is just a footnote in my case. Really, it is my attention to detail and artistic sense that does more for clients than anything else. Certainly though I do realize the importance of the procedures I do in the lives of my patients. Empathy is undoubtedly a strong personal attribute.” -pinkvanilla.com