Words and Photographs by Reshma Teelar

Chemical imbalance,” the doctor said pensively. He looked at Einar Wegener with glacial eyes, and scribbled on his notepad – “schizophrenic.” Scrutinised unjustly, artist Einar escaped from the institution before he was declared mental. Against all odds, he attempted the first-ever male-tofemale sex reassignment surgery. Set in 1920s Copenhagen, “The Danish Girl” movie portrays the story of Einar, a pioneer in transgenderism. He became Lili Elbe and could no longer identify herself as a man. As she eloquently said, “ This is not my body. I have to let it go.”

A Look at It

Transgenderism isn’t a concept that isn’t so alien. But at the same time, it’s a confused one, whether it’s someone who’s homosexual or even a cross-dresser. Worldwide or in this hometown, artists have taken a moment to express how the ‘third gender’ feels. There’s still a sense of ostracism that comes with being a transgender. In a generation where we strive for the liberty of thoughts, gender still remains under the shadows of doubt. Because many a times, when one sees a transgender on a train one cannot deny that they sometimes recoil. A few questions lurk in the mind, is he a she? Like these thoughts are kept in the dark is also how many transgenders cloak their stories and voice.

Hearing the Hidden Voices

While Reshma Valentina was covering the story, she said the darkest nights was when she found them. Most of them were hesitant to talk and also scared to open up. What seemed odd, was that in a generation that celebrates open-mindedness, there’s still that discomfort of acceptance. Inspired by how a problem that was once considered unfathomable, has now become a condition easily curable with the power of medicine, we decided to look at how anguished minds dealt with the dosages. Here are five narrations by five individuals who fought against several odds in defence of their body and self-esteem – Sharon, Sweetie, Sheetal Pooja and Aami.

SHARON

“I was very young when I started realising it myself. I was not me, I was another me. I was confused, but I had a strong urge to be the real one. I convinced myself, my family and others to believe in the real one. So here I am, a strong, independent, fearless ‘woman’, ready to take all the consequences of choosing my own gender. I am Sharon. People who have not yet accepted me, know me as Larwin, a 25-yearold mentally-confused person from Fort Kochi. I was given my new name by those who really ‘know’ me. All I wanted in my life was to be accepted by people. But I was abused, by all means, discouraged by everyone and crushed to the ground, left for dead.

A winner, however, doesn’t know when to stop. I worked hard with all my might and will. I have worked as a receptionist, accountant, sales girl and a waitress; starting from being a housekeeping boy. In the meanwhile I began modelling as a part time career, which eventually resulted in me being an actress now. In the fashion industry, I was asked several times to ‘compromise’, every time I was offered an opportunity. Due to this, I have faced quite a lot of problems in my career because my mind or body never surrendered for anything or anyone other than me.My first love tried to cage me and take away my dreams, the society tried to degrade me, my family tried to change me, so I left all that behind. When I was diagnosed with jaundice, I remember shaving my beautiful hair, as my family refused to take me to a hospital, for looking feminine. At times, I had no choice other than to literally act in my real life to survive. I give and take respect. I admire people who treat others for who they really are. I request everyone, not just the ‘third gender’, to be brave and stand up for yourself.

SHEETHAL

My passion was to become a dancer and a fashion designer, which my family never accepted. I wanted to lead a life I dreamed of, but society didn’t accept that. So I didn’t accept their ways of thinking. Most of us are abused right at home, where we are supposed to be safe. A whole community suffers because the society is not pleased with what they ‘see’. I believe we are being tortured because we have accepted ourselves as women. About sex workers, they work with the last thing that’s left with them.They are scarifying their life, love and body to survive and they take it as their job for living knowing that it wouldn’t last for long. And strangely, we face sarcasm for this from a society who thanks us for reducing sexual harassment! Why sacrifice one gender for keeping another gender safe? If we were treated as normal beings, we wouldn’t have wasted so many lives.”

SWEETIE

I do not want to reveal my old name because when I say that, a lot of memories flash through my mind – none any good. I had a lot of dreams, but it never happened. I think it has become an obvious thing for a transgender to never get what they dreamed of. We have the strength of a man and mind of a woman. We have the best of both genders. If given an opportunity we can be anything, but unfortunately we don’t get any. One of my friends had to turn down a beauty contest for women because a person knew that she was a transgender. The society should understand, not every transgender in town is a sex worker.

Akai Pathmashali, Sheethal, Surya, they all fight for us. The police do not do anything to them because they are famous. They should understand that we have a lot of problems to handle in our own lives. Men cheat us with love because we are vulnerable towards it. There are also men who would be genuinely sweet to us, but police have to ruin that too. They come to us, make an issue and establish that these men came to us for sex. So, they leave. The struggles that we went through to get a policy in Kerala, was immense and we were relieved till we understood nothing has changed. This society which calls us sluts and prostitutes doesn’t realise that they made us this way. If they had accepted us, we would have been also in a good position. We do not have to be married or bear a child to be a woman, it’s the determination to be something which makes everyone what they are.

AAMI

My life is just how the usual cliché goes. I was kicked out from my family when I tried to explain myself. They sent me for counselling, made me take medicines, took me to a mental hospital but nothing worked, because this is not a disease, it a realisation. I asked for a surgery. I could have used the partitioned amount from my family to do the surgery. They understood that it was a genuine request and they have to give it, so the other family members convinced my mother and made me leave the home so that they could take my partition amount. My mother always supported me, but I lost her as well. Everybody wants to know how I have sex, whether I have a vagina, how many men I take a day. It’s very hard to do even the basic things in this society like, buying things from a shop, having food from restaurants, going to a hospital, hanging out with friends etc. When we are seen in public, police ask us for ID cards.

We went through innumerable occasions of abuses, assaults and harassments each and every day. The only time I enjoy in my life is when we conduct ‘Road Shows’. It’s the only time we can be ourselves in the society and where the police doesn’t lock us up. Once somebody stole my phone, so I went to the police station to file a complaint, but all they wanted to know was the number of men I slept with that night, I was not a sex worker then. I was devastated by this. I had to call everyone I knew to get me out of there. The media came to us for an article, they seemed like sweet people, so we disclosed everything about us, and the next day, news papers called us ‘sluts who enjoy their job’. I don’t know what is all the hype about being a man, I choose to be a woman. I had a lot of dreams when I started fighting for my rights, but now I just need few basic things, a job, a home, and a public toilet.

POOJA

I studied in a co-ed school, which was the most hellish years of my life. My classmates were insensitive and would often abuse me physically and emotionally.I wanted to study like everyone else, get a job, lead a normal life; but everything changed when I realised that I was in the wrong body, that lead me to do big mistakes … things I thought I’d never do for a living. I ran away from my family who only believed in the two conventional genders. They may admire a transgender actor or comedian or starlet on television, but would never accept someone like that in their own family. Every night, our body and our being are used. Strangely something happens during daylight, because when it breaks, we become untouchables to them. Once, a man kicked me out of the car when he got to know that I was not a ‘girl’.

My friends and I were once thrown into a waste-dumping yard by the police in Kalamassery because we apparently belonged there and that if we found a way to get out, it would be too late to **** someone. These were their own words. Married men come to us. They say their wives do not turn them on. Once, there was a man who came to me because he wanted sperms to surgically inject to his wife as he could never get turned on and having a child was a problem. I helped him anyway, although I was still labelled a “slut”. They say that we will get jobs at Kochi Metro, but for that we require a minimum qualification. Now I don’t need everyone to support us. I just need people to leave us alone.

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